Saturday, January 14, 2006

dimming

I just read a post at Kara's blog that really resonated with me and brought some stuff gurgling to the surface. (Picture a big pot of sludge that begins bubbling as a kernel of truth suddenly lifts off the murky bottom...)

She wrote of a fear of expressing a truth (or her truth) for fear that others would ostracize her...and that her enemy is the silencer. Although the experience she relates doesn't exactly match mine, reading about it brought my experience into more focus for me.

I think my enemy is the 'dimmer.' I have spent virtually my entire adult life feeling like others wanted me to tone down my wattage. There's that old cliche about 'don't hide your light under a bushel.' I always thought that the next part was: 'unless you're Marilyn...because we WANT you to hide your light.' I know it makes no sense to surround yourself with people (friends) who would encourage you to do something so insane. But I have a pattern of doing that, although I never know initially that it's going to pan out that way.

I've had friends who made me feel very loved and supported and encouraged and would cheer on my creative endeavors and ideas and inspirations...until... Until I get brave enough with the support of their encouragement to begin to expose myself a bit more creatively. If others begin to recognize a certain talent in me or if I begin to share that part of myself more publicly, the end result has almost always been the same--rejection by my biggest supporter.

I really do believe that there's enough to go around for everyone. Enough talent and success and prosperity and creativity...all of it. For me to feel fulfilled should not diminish you and vice versa.

I was having a conversation with another Cara (friend) the other day about humility, and I was telling her how deeply intuitive Jeffrey's humility is. We were specifically speaking of arrogance and I told her that one of the biggest things I love about Jeffrey is his humility--he never talks about his talent. Ever. He just lets it speak for itself. She said, "But you're like that." But I begged to differ. I'm not innately humble. I don't go around hiding who I really am out of humility--I do it out of fear. It hurts when friends reject me--especially when they do an about face and cut me out of their life with no explanation. Every time it's happened (and it's happened many times), I've hit the dimmer switch. (Jeez, I can hardly see in here and it's still too bright for these people.) I start feeling smaller and smaller, until I feel like just a speck of my 'real' self.

The nadir probably occurred in the tropics. Thank god for the beach and the surrounding beauty for helping me to maintain my sanity during that time. And then I discovered blogging. Now maybe you can understand why it's not an overstatement when I say that blogging was a lifesaver for me when it arrived in my life (September '03).

That's what I love so much about the blogosphere--you're not threatened (and if you are, it's your issue, not mine). You swat my hand away when you see me reaching for the dimmer switch. In fact, I'm not so sure that some of you didn't sneak inside when I wasn't looking and replace those dim bulbs with a higher watt.

To diminish someone can mean to belittle them. I don't want to be little and small, and I don't want you to be either. Let's not be-little each other anymore. Let's be-big one another. Let's BE BIG together.

10 Comments:

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Kara said...

Wow Marilyn! I think I may have one of those dimmer switches too. I was trying last night to come up with words to describe my experience and and you've put it so well. Given me another way to think about it. Now I've got that song in my head "This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine... let it shine, let it shine, let it shine" Thank you! Keep on shining BRIGHT!

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger eliza said...

hi marilyn,

i have some of these issues, too. mine may or may not be complicated by the fact that i am very tall. perhaps it's symbolic of the inner battles, the way people say to me, "you make me feel so short!" or, "you haven't gotten any shorter, i see," as if indicting my height on charges of be-littling them! as if anything i am can make them less of, well, anything.

anyway, you've probably seen this quote, but it seems appropriate to write it out here. i kept it around where i could refer to it often for years, and i think that helped:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us. It is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

amen!
eliza

 
At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AWESOME post Marilyn. I think you and Kara have hit on the reason that I have very very few friends in the "real world". I get really hurt when i'm told to "tone it down" in any way, and the silencer (I refer to it as the off button... say or do the wrong thing, and the person shuts up like a clam, grows cold, for no aparent reason... probably something I got too much experience with an un-medicated manic depressive father. The Jeckyl & Hyde complex. ) absolutely INFURIATES me. I may keep it in, but that person is not anyone that I'll choose to spend my time with in the future.

As a result, I have much fewer friends, much higher self-esteem... and always wonder why I'm lonely. But overall, I definately have to say that no friends is far far better than friends who only love you when you're not the real you.

I know I totally agree with "be-big"ing!!!! Kat will too when she reads it *grinning at Kat*

It sounds like a WHOLE lot better idea to build people up rather than tear them down!!!! :)

 
At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha Jana!!! well, she's right. I am totally into be-big-ing.

for me, some odd part of me feels like because i'm physically small, i should *act* that way too, as if the word small defined my whole world (think small, be small, live small)...maybe be seen...not heard. i've just recently come to realize this belief about myself that seems so true, but isn't necessarily so. seems the only place i've felt ok being big was on stage, when i was someone else. but i want to be big as me.

totally struggling with this right now, wanting to stretch out, expand, be BIG...yes indeed, let's be-BIG eachother. love it. love it. love you!!

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger Ranger Cathy Mardell said...

Hi Marilyn
Thanks for your kind comments on my page (if it was you). I can relate to your dimmer switch analogy as well...although I've been using my dimmer switch to slowly tone 'me' down over the years. I'm lucky my friends all accept me as I am - although they're all far flung geographically which is trying at times.

When I think about it the people who prompt me tone myself down - I don't connect with anyway. So like you - I'm turning it up again. WooHoo Cathy

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger Laura said...

Thank you for this thought and these links, Marilyn. It triggered a real resonance for me also, enough so that I wrote my own post on it.

 
At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate being cut oout of people's lives. But now I see that the reality is, they've cut me out of their lives, but my own continues, even so.

 
At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm having this very strong urge to call you and sing 'this little light of mine, I'm gonna let SHINE' into your voicemail. Don't worry, I'm restraining myself! What an awesome post - and what powerful knowledge you're acquiring along the way. I am amazed that, even though you've been hurt time and time again, you have hope and that you CONTINUE to be such a wonderful support to so many. Now it's our time to cheer you on! Go! Marilyn! G-O!

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger aliceinparis said...

Hi Mariyln,
That was a lovely post. You shine so brightly here on these pages and your words have such strength and power. It is time to carry it over to the real world. Pick up that spotlight and hold it proudly!-Shelagh

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger gkgirl said...

that is a great insight
and a great awareness of yourself!
wow.

expressed so well too

 

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