dimming

I just read a post at Kara's blog that really resonated with me and brought some stuff gurgling to the surface. (Picture a big pot of sludge that begins bubbling as a kernel of truth suddenly lifts off the murky bottom...)

She wrote of a fear of expressing a truth (or her truth) for fear that others would ostracize her...and that her enemy is the silencer. Although the experience she relates doesn't exactly match mine, reading about it brought my experience into more focus for me.

I think my enemy is the 'dimmer.' I have spent virtually my entire adult life feeling like others wanted me to tone down my wattage. There's that old cliche about 'don't hide your light under a bushel.' I always thought that the next part was: 'unless you're Marilyn...because we WANT you to hide your light.' I know it makes no sense to surround yourself with people (friends) who would encourage you to do something so insane. But I have a pattern of doing that, although I never know initially that it's going to pan out that way.

I've had friends who made me feel very loved and supported and encouraged and would cheer on my creative endeavors and ideas and inspirations...until... Until I get brave enough with the support of their encouragement to begin to expose myself a bit more creatively. If others begin to recognize a certain talent in me or if I begin to share that part of myself more publicly, the end result has almost always been the same--rejection by my biggest supporter.

I really do believe that there's enough to go around for everyone. Enough talent and success and prosperity and creativity...all of it. For me to feel fulfilled should not diminish you and vice versa.

I was having a conversation with another Cara (friend) the other day about humility, and I was telling her how deeply intuitive Jeffrey's humility is. We were specifically speaking of arrogance and I told her that one of the biggest things I love about Jeffrey is his humility--he never talks about his talent. Ever. He just lets it speak for itself. She said, "But you're like that." But I begged to differ. I'm not innately humble. I don't go around hiding who I really am out of humility--I do it out of fear. It hurts when friends reject me--especially when they do an about face and cut me out of their life with no explanation. Every time it's happened (and it's happened many times), I've hit the dimmer switch. (Jeez, I can hardly see in here and it's still too bright for these people.) I start feeling smaller and smaller, until I feel like just a speck of my 'real' self.

The nadir probably occurred in the tropics. Thank god for the beach and the surrounding beauty for helping me to maintain my sanity during that time. And then I discovered blogging. Now maybe you can understand why it's not an overstatement when I say that blogging was a lifesaver for me when it arrived in my life (September '03).

That's what I love so much about the blogosphere--you're not threatened (and if you are, it's your issue, not mine). You swat my hand away when you see me reaching for the dimmer switch. In fact, I'm not so sure that some of you didn't sneak inside when I wasn't looking and replace those dim bulbs with a higher watt.

To diminish someone can mean to belittle them. I don't want to be little and small, and I don't want you to be either. Let's not be-little each other anymore. Let's be-big one another. Let's BE BIG together.